Please redirect your attention.

I began this blog to share my religious, political, etc. thoughts in a semi-public (read: not Facebook) forum with a few friends.  However, as a full-time mom, I simply don’t have the time, patience, or willingness to keep it up anymore.  I’d much rather spend my time keeping our family blog updated regularly.  So from now on, you may redirect your attention to the Fulks Family blog site, for updates on our life and Little Man and puppies.  I’m out of town until next week, so it won’t get updated until then more than likely, but you can disregard this site in the future and keep up with us over there.  Thanks fir riding along!

051. Lots has happened…

…and I fully intended to catch up on here over the weekend.

However, the weekend ended up being consumed by Spring Sing, bridesmaid dress shopping,  Olive Garden eating, Michigan basketball watching, Eastering, and visiting the in-laws.  All of those were GREAT alternatives to updating the blog!  And I’d update it now, but I’ve got a nasty staph infection on my back, so I really can’t be bothered to sit around and do a lot of typing, so this is my promise that I’ll give you some sort of update sometime soon.  Hope that’s good enough for everyone!

050. Five questions

Leave me a comment saying “Resistance is Futile” and I will respond by asking you five questions that satisfy my curiosity. Update your journal with the answers to the questions, including this in the post.

My favorite Sarah asked me…

1. How many kids total do you want?

That’s a good question… a month ago, I would have told you 4, with maybe more as we fostered more.  Chris and I have even been debating WHEN this year we will start trying for our second.  But as recently as yesterday, I found out that they’re now beginning to bring orphans from Haiti to the US for foster care and adoption.  So when Chris gets home tonight, I’m going to approach him about putting off physically having more kids indefinitely, and instead, getting certified to foster (and eventually adopt) children who already exist and need a home and a family.  I’ve always wanted to adopt, but last semester our friend Jimmy and I were talking about social responsibility, and what if maybe that included not popping out tons of your own, and caring for the ones that are already born.  I want to take that seriously, and as soon as possible.  (And I won’t lie… there’s a tiny part of me that would LOVE to breastfeed a little Haitian baby!)

2. Do you ever wish you hadn’t gotten married as young as you did?

YES YES YES.  For the first YEAR we were married, Chris and I had several conversations about how I wasn’t emotionally separated enough from my parents (mostly my dad), and that we should have waited another year before tying the knot.  And we now believe what everyone says when they tell you that the first year is THE WORST, and it’s all uphill from there.  I literally cried myself to sleep more nights than I can count during that first year.  It was pathetic – no, *I* was pathetic.  I had a LOT to learn about being selfless; going from living for yourself to DAILY having to put someone else’s thoughts/well-being/desires before your own is HARD STUFF, y’all.  And I still suck at it!  There’s nothing like getting married to show you just how self-centered you really are.  It’s a tough reality to face.

But obviously, I love where we’re at now, so it’s a matter of sticking with the commitments you make – and I firmly believe that.  Lovey-doveyness is great, but when push comes to shove comes to fighting comes to crying, being married is a choice that you have to make every single day.  And if you luck out, like me, you’ll be choosing to do it with someone who never questions that choice, even when he’s stuck with a big bitch most of the time.

3. What’s your favorite Beatles song? If you can’t pick just one, what’s your favorite album?

I almost HAVE to say All You Need Is Love – after all, it’s in the most beautiful scene of Love Actually and was in my wedding and is the motto of my life… but the song that carries the most emotional significance to me is In My Life.  In fact, my reasoning won’t make any sense to those reading this if you don’t know the words, so, before I continue, here they are:

There are places I remember
All my life, though some have changed
Some forever not for better
Some have gone and some remain
All these places have their moments
With lovers and friends I still can recall
Some are dead and some are living
In my life I’ve loved them all

But of all these friends and lovers
There is no one compares with you
And these memories lose their meaning
When I think of love as something new
Though I know I’ll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I’ll often stop and think about them
In my life I love you more

Though I know I’ll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I’ll often stop and think about them
In my life I love you more
In my life I love you more

As a Beatles fan, I’ve always loved this song because of all the things it could mean, depending on the situation and the people involved.  The first person for whom I can say this was “our song” was my best guy friend from high school, Jarrett.  In fact, for Valentine’s Day of his senior and my sophomore year, I gave him the lyrics to this, framed, with pictures of us pasted around the edges.  We had helped each other through SO much throughout our friendship, and while we almost dated when we first met, our relationship has ALWAYS been completely platonic – although some people still don’t believe it.  We just knew each other really, really well and loved the hell out of each other.  In fact, I’d still take a bullet for him.  I’m sad that the last time I saw him was the week before I got pregnant, and he’s yet to see my sweet boy. But I digress (no surprise there)..

Now, this song obviously has sentimental value for me and Chris.  How can it not?  But the PRIMARY reason this song is my favorite is because it captures something that I’ve not heard in other songs, or at least not as eloquently: places only have value to me because of the people with whom I’ve spent time there. When I go home, there are certain places that I ALWAYS go.  But it’s nothing to do with the places themselves; sure, they might have good food or eclectic music or incredible scenery… but when I’m there, I’m in a constant state of nostalgia, remembering things that have happened, and the people with whom they’ve happened.  And after losing yet another dear friend this past December, places in Durham mean more to me than ever before, because of the people with whom I’ve shared good times.

This song perfectly describes my emotional connection to Durham and so many other places, far better than I could ever describe it myself.

4. If you could move anywhere tomorrow, where would it be, and why?

Orlando.  Hands down.  I’ve told Chris why, and I still don’t think he gets it.  Maybe someone reading this will.  When I go back to North Carolina, it’s not the same.  It’s where I grew up.  It’s where I experienced the bulk of my youth.  It’s where I have memories that I will hold onto until I die.  But it’s not home anymore.  And whenever we’re in Florida, I truly feel like I’m home.  I can’t explain it… it’s just reality.  I feel perfectly content and happy and comfortable there, which is not how I feel anywhere else.  Sure – as long as Chris is with me, I can be happy anywhere.  But I feel like I’m home in Florida.

5. What’s your favorite memory of 2009?

When we went to DIsneyworld on Chris’ birthday in August, Casey was 9 months old, so we didn’t expect much out of him when it came to reacting to characters, rides, etc.  But when we sat through the 3D show Philharmagic, I held a pair of 3D glasses in front of his eyes just in case… and holy cow - my 9 month old son sat on my lap, mesmerized, for the entire 5 minutes of 3D Disney animation and music and smells and wonder.  It was incredible.  See, I always, ALWAYS cry during Philharmagic, because I love seeing the little kids’ hands reaching out for the jewels floating over their heads, oohing and aahing over the carpet ride, squealing when water is splashed on their faces during The Scorcerer’s Apprentice… and at that moment in time, my son was one of those sweet children who have brought tears to my eyes since New Year’s Eve of 2005.  It was beautiful, and I can’t wait to see how he does when we take him next month.

049. An auction for DebRA!

For those who don’t know, DebRA is the Dystrophic Epidermolysis Bullosa Research Association of America – an organization dedicated to finding a cure for EB, the skin disease from which precious baby Jonah suffers.

Junctional EB has a mortality rate of 87%  in the first year of life – ladies and gentlemen, Jonah Williams will turn ONE YEAR OLD on February 27th, 2010!!! This little man has had a tough year, but has pulled through like a trooper, putting smiles on faces wherever he goes – I mean, look at this face…

…I’ll bet you $20 that you’re smiling now, too!

[photo edited by Emilee Mills]

In celebration of Jonah’s first birthday, his family and friends are sponsoring an auction, with 100% of the proceeds going to DebRA, to contribute to their work in finding a cure.  Are you interested in supporting this GREAT cause?  Here’s what you can do:

1. Go to Jonah’s EB Auction blog for all the information you could possibly need.
2. Do you have things you could donate to the auction?  Email jonahsebauctionATgmailDOTcom to find out how you can donate.
3. Are you in the Central Arkansas area and interested in donating money towards gift cards that will be donated to the auction?  Leave me a comment on this post with your email (if I don’t already have it) and I’ll let you know how you can contribute.
4. PARTICIPATE!  The auction will run February 23 – February 27, leading up to Jonah’s first birthday.  Check the blog linked above during that time to see what items are up for bidding!

What a GREAT chance to do our part to help find a cure!

048. An open letter

Dear Pat Robertson,

PLEASE STOP SPEAKING.  FOREVER.

Sincerely,

Jessie

047. Books for 2010

As I said in post 45, one of my lifestyle changes for the year is to spend more time reading – two books a month, to be exact.  I may read more, but at least that gives me a minimum to accomplish.  If I spend my time wisely, it can be done.

I’m currently reading Dreams of My Father by Barack Obama, a gift from my mom and dad.  I wanted to read it during election season, but I was pregnant and then had a baby, so I didn’t have much time.  So far, it’s very real and raw, and I’m enjoying the heck out of it.  I’ll try to give some sort of summary and review when I’m finished.

Other books on my list include, but are not limited to:

• What Would You Do? by John Howard Yoder (recommended by and borrowed from Doug L)
• Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen (I’m tired of people being shocked that I haven’t read it; might as well bite the bullet!)
• Pride and Prejudice and Zombies by Jane Austen and Seth Grahame-Smith (because it looks hysterical and seems fitting after P&P)
• Water for Elephants by Sara Gruen (recommended by Colure more than once, and it looks great!)
• The Cost of Discipleship by Dietrich Bonhoeffer (own it but never got around to reading it)
• Mere Discipleship by Lee Camp (supposed to be a good combination of Mere Christianity and The Cost of Discipleship)
• The Lord of the Rings trilogy by J R R Tolkien (again, own it but have never finished)
• Slaughterhouse-five by Kurt Vonnegut
• The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams (because my dad would be proud that I’ve finally read it)
• On the Road by Jack Kerouac (because it was the subject of Sarah‘s senior seminar)
• The Prophet by Kahlil Gibran (because one of his quotes is another Sarah’s tattoo)
• The Little Prince by Antoine de Saint-Exupéry (because I have countless friends who will be horrified just seeing this and knowing I’ve never read it)
• Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand (because, after Anthem and The Fountainhead, isn’t this the next one?)

And I’m open to suggestions!

046. Not Me! Monday

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.  (Although I think I may have beaten her to it today – that’s a first for me!)

Yesterday, when it FINALLY starting snowing here in lovely Arkansas, I did not complain about the pathetic amount of snow compared to what I’m used to back home – not me! And then, of course, I did not delete that gripey Facebook status because people complain about me being too negative.  Nope, why would I ever do that?

This morning, after a long night of a mostly-good snowfall, I did not decide to bundle Casey up and take him outside before giving him breakfast – nope, because good moms would never do that!  And after last week’s mullet mishap (side story: he has pinkeye, his bangs were getting in his eyes, so I cut them and now he has a terribly legit mullet), I most certainly did not promise mullet-in-the-snow pictures and then put a cap on him before going out to play – not me! I would never go back on that hilarious of a promise!

See?  No mullet on my kiddo – I would never do that, right?

Casey did not immediately lose his (too big) mitten and freak out about his hand getting icy cold snow on it – nope, not my kid! He also did not proceed to freak out while sitting in a sad little lump in the yard.  And, being the outstanding mama that I am, I did not sit there with my camera and record the whole thing – not me!

Oh, and while we’re at it… when we went outside, I was, once again, a spectacular mom and carried him outside of the house and did not just let him walk and trip onto the ground… and I did not have the camera going to capture that graceful moment!

So, what have YOU not been doing on this beautiful Monday morning?

045. Twenty-ten

I don’t believe in resolutions.  Resolutions are temporary, “oh, it would be nice if…” bullet points on a neverending list of things we’d ideally like to accomplish, but we know deep down that they’re just that – ideas with which we probably won’t keep up.  Perhaps that’s just my experience.

With that in mind, I’m going to be implementing some lifestyle changes this year.  Rather than coming up with lofty goals that I know would be nice but are pretty unrealistic, I’ve come up with some practical, doable, positive things to change or to do.  I’m fairly confident that all of them will, in the long run, make me a better, healthier, happier woman, wife, mom, and friend.  At least, that’s the intent.

• No fried food. I’ve given up soda/pop/whatever-you-call-it-in-your-region-of-origin on several occasions, but found myself at Sonic during Happy Hour with friends and nothing to drink that appealed to me… so I got mozzarella sticks.  Mmm, nothing like fried cheese with marinara sauce to dip.  They are my weakness.  They are, in fact, the main reason I am going to sacrifice them, as well as all fried goodies, this year.  I am a bored eater (not an emotional eater; when I’m overly emotional, I lose my appetite), and let’s face it – I pass Sonic to come home each day.  I succumb far too easily to temptation, so it shall be eliminated entirely from my diet.  The bonus perk?  My husband is also giving up fried food.  We’re hoping to eliminate 95% of our fast food eating this year.
• Re-adopt my vegetarian diet. When I was in high school, I was a staunch vegetarian.  I won’t get into reasons, because everyone can find reasons to debate it, and that’s not the point.  The point is that when I eat meat, I get sick.  It rips my stomach apart.  And when I do eat meat, it’s typically a McDonald’s hamburger (extra pickles, extra onions), because I craved them when I was pregnant and got used to eating them regularly.  The only meat we typically eat at home is chicken and tilapia anyway, so Chris will still have those in the house to cook.  I’m looking forward to having a fridge full of baby carrots, bell peppers, hummus and pita, fresh-baked bread (hooray breadmaker!), stir-fried veggies over rice or couscous… it’s going to be grand, and healthy!
• Eat one piece of chocolate a day. Let’s face it – chocolate is actually pretty healthy, especially for women.  And my sweet, sweet husband got me a stocking full of Choxie bars for Christmas – God bless that man!  So I’ve got plenty to keep me stocked up for this change for quite some time… and I know myself – if I have one piece a day, it will satisfy my sweet craving, and I won’t binge later and then guilt myself.
• Read 2 books a month. I read blogs, I read parenting magazines, I read Facebook notes, I read Dr. Seuss to my son… I haven’t read a book just because in ages.  Actually, since last summer, when I was pregnant and borrowing the “Twilight” series from friends.  I need to do this – I need the intellectual stimulation, I need the fantasy, I NEED TO READ.  Feel free to make some recommendations.  I’m mostly going to try to tackle some “classics” that everyone is shocked to hear that I haven’t read, but I’ll start with Obama’s book, since mom and dad got it for me for Christmas.
• Pay off my Target card. There is NO REASON that this should not be accomplished by the end of the year – and if it’s not, it’s because I’ve been frivolous with my money, and that’s ridiculous.  I’m through with that.
• Read through the Bible. God and I are not on great terms right now.  The least I can do is reread what he has to tell me.  It can’t hurt.

That’s about it.  I’m not out to overwhelm myself.  Hence the changes rather than resolutions.

044. Merry Christmahannukwanzaakah

So this is Xmas
And what have you done
Another year over
And a new one just begun
And so this is Xmas
I hope you have fun
The near and the dear one
The old and the young

A very Merry Xmas
And a happy New Year
Let’s hope it’s a good one
Without any fear

And so this is Xmas (war is over)
For weak and for strong (if you want it)
For rich and the poor ones (war is over)
The world is so wrong (if you want it)
And so happy Xmas (war is over)
For black and for white (if you want it)
For yellow and red ones (war is over)
Let’s stop all the fight (now)

A very Merry Xmas
And a happy New Year
Let’s hope it’s a good one
Without any fear

And so this is Xmas (war is over)
And what have we done (if you want it)
Another year over (war is over)
A new one just begun (if you want it)
And so happy Xmas (war is over)
We hope you have fun (if you want it)
The near and the dear one (war is over)
The old and the young (now)

A very Merry Xmas
And a happy New Year
Let’s hope it’s a good one
Without any fear

War is over, if you want it
War is over now

Happy Xmas

043. This is going to be some self-absorbed whining, so feel free to skip it.

[And no, I'm not writing this to garner any pity, sympathy, phone calls, texts, Tweets, Facebook messages, emails, or snail mail (do people still do that, outside of Christmas holiday cards?  (Yes, I said holiday, because I appreciate the diversity of my friends.)).  I'm writing this because it's how I'm feeling that the moment, and this is my blog on which I can write whatever I want.  And mostly because later, when I'm not feeling like a mopey arse, I can come back and read this as a reminder of how silly I am sometimes, because I really am a blessed person and need to remember that.]

I realized earlier today that I can count on one hand the number of people in my life on whom I can count at the drop of a hat.  Besides Chris, of course.  And one of them lives in North Carolina.

I know a lot of people.  I have a lot of friends, and a lot of acquaintances.  I know lots of moms to whom I can turn for advice or an ear when needed.  I have great chick friends with whom I can commiserate over silly, girly things, like PMS or the Undying Love Of Chocolate That Men Will Never Understand or Lady Gaga (yes, I like her, and you don’t have to, so hush it!).

I know a lot of really, really good people from DSA.

I know a lot of really, really good people from Harding.

I know a lot of really, really good people in North Carolina.

I know a lot of really, really good people in Arkansas.

I know a few really, really good people in Florida.

But when I’m hurting?  When I’m devastated about something?  When I’m sobbing my heart out while Casey’s taking a nap?

I have 3 people that I can call.

(OK, let me digress for a moment – I have a lot of people who’ve told me that of course I can call them, for anything, at any time, they’re always there if I need them.  And I appreciate that, I really do!  But there happen to be three people to whom I am especially close, for various reasons, that I can turn to about A-N-Y-T-H-I-N-G under the sun, be it a stupid fight with Chris, or petty family issues, or sick babies, or faith crises, or anything.  That’s just how it is, y’know?  I can’t help who I’m close to right now; life’s just happened that way.)

And I realize that that’s three more people than some people may have.  I realize that I am really, really blessed to have three people in my life who love me so dearly that they will pick up their phone at 3am, force themselves to wake up, and listen to me get something off my chest.  Not many people have friends who willingly do that for them.

But for some reason, I feel really discontent with that.  Sometimes I feel so overwhelmed by all the people I know that I don’t feel close to anyone, not even those three.  So I shut down, and stop calling, or stop opening up, or stop asking about them and their lives.  Then I find myself in some stupid emotional hole, and it seems like the number of people I can talk to has turned to zero.  Because I sucked as a friend.

I’m just tired, y’all.  I love the people that come over to our house on a regular basis; I love our weekly “dates” with friends; I love that we’ve had people live with us and that crash with us whenever they’re in town; I love that we have such open, legit relationships with people.  That’s how it should be, y’know?  But these days, when I get done with Carpenter’s Kids or the gym, I just want to come home and be alone. But then, once I’ve had some alone time, I feel so isolated and awkward and that turns into me not contacting anyone and being a crappy friend.

I’m in a step group right now.  That means that I’m in a small, extremely focused Celebrate-Recovery-based group of women who meet together once a week to share the junk in our lives and encourage each other to work through the junk and to let God help us do it.  Which, if you know where I’m at with my faith right now, is kinda funny for me, seeing as how I don’t see God as being very hands-on these days, but that’s another post for another time.  Anyway.  I’m supposed to find (1) a sponsor, and (2) an accountability partner.  The sponsor is supposed to be someone who’s gone through most of the steps in the group before, so they can be a “mentor” to me.  The accountability partner is supposed to be someone on the same track in the steps as me, except not with the same struggles, because then I’d be able to lie to them, blah, blah, blah.

I don’t have a clue who to ask to be either of those in my life.  I feel like if I ask anyone, it’s going to be a drain on their life, so I try to come up with someone else, then I guilt myself out of asking them too… et cetera, et cetera.  Lame lame lame.

OK, I think I’m done griping now.  I just needed to get all of that off my chest.

Seriously – I’m OK.  My life, overall, is really good.  I just get into a hole sometimes.  I’ll be out of it sooner or later.